I’ve been trying to spring a leak for six months.
A faucet. A pipe. Any place where liquid can leak.
But I understand how the universe works. Because I want to spring a leak, I can’t. I have to stop wanting to and then it will happen. I’m not very patient that way.
It all started about six months ago, on a Tuesday morning at around 2 a.m. I had fallen asleep with the television on, and in a fog woke up to a guy in a rowboat made from a screen door. He had coated the screen with Flex Seal, a can of waterproof black goop.
I sat up like I had just seen a burning bush. A spray can full of something that would stop any leak? Yowzer!
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Was it rubber? What else could it be? How did they get rubber to spray out of a tiny nozzle?
Whatever it was, it clearly worked, because there was a guy in a screen door rowboat and he wasn’t sinking.
I bought a can as quickly as I could, and of course, chose the rush shipping option. I mean, a leak can happen at any moment. Just ask my Uncle Larry. It was only blind luck that I hadn’t had any leaks, but I knew there was water seeking a weak spot right then, just to mock me.
Even with the rush shipping it was going to take a week, so I had time to look around to find the most likely leaking suspects. Kitchen sink? I know you want to start a gusher. Shower head? Go ahead, I dare you. Garden hose? Oh yeah, that’s the big one.
After carefully inspecting my garden hose, it was clear the battle would be waged somewhere along its green skin. It was about being patient. Diligently checking the mail and working on the hose.
Day after day, I stretched my 50-foot hose to its limits. I tried watering things in my neighbor’s yard. Twisting it around corners and bushes. Closing off the nozzle and leaving the water on full blast to create pressure. Not a drop. I left it in the hot sun for days, hoping for a crack. Nada.
It was now Sunday and I was only two days away from getting my shipment. Just two days away from never having to worry about a leak again.
Then, out of nowhere, I saw another ad for Flex Seal and they have two more options. The rowboat commercial only had black. But now I could get white and clear. Duh.
Look, the last thing I needed was to have an ugly black clog on my pretty green hose. The clear could fix that. And I probably ought to get the white just in case in the future I have a leak from an exposed piece of PVC. Yeah, that’s just good planning. So I ordered two more cans.
A few days later, my first can of black rubber magic stuff arrived. Even though there were no leaks yet, I kept it close by. When a leak started, I didn't want to be fumbling around looking for my rubber spray.
That was six months ago.
I’ve thought about getting rid of my garden hose because it won’t leak. Who the heck designs a kitchen faucet that doesn’t drip? How many times do you need to twist a shower head before it lets go?
Last night I saw an ad for a new garden hose that completely collapses when it’s not full of water. I read some really horrible reviews about how it starts leaking after just a few weeks. Now that’s the hose I’ve been waiting for.
I’ve got some exposed PVC that might accidentally get nicked by the lawnmower. It happens. I’m guessing If I look under the hood of my car there are some hoses that could easily be bumped by a clumsy guy like me. Yeah, the car…
